Journeys along this road called Life.

Difference between what I want and what I can have.

2012-01-14T17:59:00.002-05:00

So one of my friends is in town this weekend and seems our relationship has changed. He now has a girlfriend and now it is hard for me to take. We have always had the relationship where we liked one another but it now seems that the thing that I want I can't have.

Last night, we had a talk about the new girlfriend and usually I am never jealous about anything but goodness it made me realize that I want get what I want this time. I could do the wrong thing and actually do something and jepordize everything or just sit and take it.

Let's try scenarios for a second
1. So I actually tried to do something like kiss him again and things actually started like how they were before he left last time. It could either go several ways: a) he could face the facts and we could just continue the relationship that we have b) freak the hell out but continue with it or c) freak the hell out and jepordize our relationship.

2. Now I just sit and take it like a good friend. He gets to be happy but doesn't know my true feelings while I have a broken heart. It is a sticky situation.

What to do.....

He asked today what I would like to do and I reply "several things but only a few can we actually do."

Oh goodness

Always the friend, never the girlfriend

2012-01-07T21:06:00.002-05:00

So I have been looking forward to one of my good friends come to visit and we have found out that we both had feelings for one another. So we decided that this time he visits, we will try going out on a date and see what happens. I was really happy for the first time in about a month. I really wanted to see where it goes since we know each other on so many levels.

Well I just got the devasting phone call this afternoon, asking if I still wanted him to come to town. He has found someone else and decided that he wanted to see where this relationship went instead before we did anything. Of course, I want him to be happy but should it cost me my own happiness? I told him that he is still my friend and I still want to see him regardless and hung up. I don't understand why I am always the friend but never the girl friend? I understand this relationship would be a "long" distance relationship and I am usually hardly never jealous but damn it why. I feel like I deserve that much. We will have a serious talk when he is here but until then.....

I still want him to be happy with whoever. I can cast the illusion right?

When it pours....there is always a rainbow right?

2011-12-21T23:31:00.002-05:00

So this month has been a challenge and it isn't over yet. I'm not going to lie, this month sucks majorly! When it pours, it really pours but then have you ever looked during a major storm there is always a rainbow at the end. I guess that is what is keeping me going through this month. So I guess I should explain my situation first.....

1. Finals started the month off. Awesome start, if I do say so myself. Well here lies the first problem. One of my professors decided he was going to change my grade without telling me and letting the class know the Excel sheet he put out was wrong. So I went from a B to a C-. Well if I knew this was going to happen, I wanted to take the final but he said since the final was done there was nothing that they could do about it. Awesome, NOT! Long story short, I went to the dean and shared the problem and watched my professor change my grade back. Muhaha, and I have this professor next semester (so I thought). I am doomed.

2. While number 1 was going on, I get an amazing letter from the summer camp that I worked at the previous summer saying they really liked me but was moving in a different direction in the program. Could they have said this earlier, most likely but that wasn't up to me. Let's just say, my dad had to listen to me for about two hours on the phone along with my friends. I think total phone/face time was about 8 hours with different people. I was so shaken from this I couldn't even speak to the director since I am pretty sure I would say something I didn't mean, like I literally was shaking and I am glad they are in a different state.

3. After all of this what else could go wrong, right? Well I get a lovely letter from school saying I have been dismissed because I have a 1.979 GPA for the semester. I am supposed to have a 2.0 GPA, didn't know this! So now I have sent in a petition to the Engineering College so they can overrule this decision so I can continue my education here.

4. Christmas is almost here and I hopefully can spend it with my family. I started a new job and I am working more than ever and hopefully I can squeeze some time to spend with my sister, my brother-in-law, my dad, and my step-mom. I miss my family soo much and I wish I could spend more time with them. They are my support line and I don't know what I would do without them.

Out of all this, I realized a lot of things. It doesn't matter where you are in life, stuff happens and it will be okay in the end. Just like my dad has been telling me through all this, all things are happening for a reason it might not be clear right now but it will in the end and also when a window closes a door opens with more opportunities.

Love you dad!

Oh the little things...

2011-10-19T00:25:00.002-04:00

Oh the little things in life.....

This week I have almost been to the breaking point and back again only to repeat and have a full meltdown in the middle of the hallway with my best friend and my dad on the phone only 250 miles away.

For those that don't know I am an engineering major and along with it, a lot of tears, blood, sweat, and having no social life is to be thought of. Silly me, I take on as much as I can handle and then a bit more just to see if I can do it. This semester I have taken upon the job of being my sorority's secretary and social chair and also engineering student council secretary and Engineering Week chair. Both are really big jobs along with my course load.

Among all of this I have totally forgot the tiny things in life that I used to enjoy. The laughter of my friends from inside jokes that we have. When my dad uses the pet names he gave me when I was like four or when I was 16 at his work place and everyone started calling me it. the joy music can bring to people and even the joy of going on a weekend vaca. The sound of rain and thunder and cuddling with dog on the couch because we are both scared.

No matter how much I put on a face of being a tough person, I do have the fears of a normal person and I am just a normal person and I need to remember that also.

Don't let anyone tell you different

2011-08-29T21:42:00.002-04:00

So I have been on this soapbox for a while now and I am glad someone else feels this way.

A friend of a friend came up to us crying the other day and tell us what some person said to her. Basically said to her that she wasn't good for anything except staying in the house and that she could never be an engineer because she was a female. Our friend is pretty, smart, and one of the best people I have ever met in my life and to see her crying over what someone else thought was heart breaking.

In the past few days, most of the girl engineers in our college have gotten together to form a group to where we could gather and just relax for a while, study and tutor each other, or just exchange stories such as this one. Come to find out a lot of them have similar stories to share from fellow classmates telling them and even teachers telling them that they could never be good enough. Funny thing enough those classmates that have told us that we would never amount to anything in the field have changed majors.

So our advice for this week: Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Do what you want to do and don't let anyone stand in your way. If you want to become a fashion designer or the president of the United States, why should people tell you no. It is your dream not theirs.

Well that is my soapbox for the week. Wish everyone well.

Hard Knock Life.....ish

2011-08-18T21:09:00.002-04:00

So getting back from camp is really hard. I have jumped into work again and working close to 30 hours just this week alone. I also got a promotion at my bookstore job kind of. I am in charge of all the cashiers and training. It has been crazy, instead of just focusing on what I need to do I have to be in charge of 6 people at a time and only 2 know what they are doing. It's crazy.

I would like to present.......

2011-08-07T22:53:00.002-04:00

After a long 7 weeks, hours upon hours of studying, lots of screaming and fighting, I would like to present the lifeguards of the year 2011 at Camp Timberlane. All my CITs here passed the Waterfront Lifeguard course. I couldn't be more pleased than right now. After almost three hours, we finished the final practical this morning and was able to present the CITs to the camp at lunch. It was an awesome experience to say the least.

The past couple of days have been extremely eventful. Yesterday we had a day called Pow Wow Day to remember all the tribes of Native Americans. It included having opening ceremonies, leg wrestling, several events, "heavy dew", silent lunch, and several other things. It all came to the tug of war (not really but we say so anyways), the kids really love it and get into it.

Tonight was a social was a girls camp and now I can finally see why girls are scary to guys. We are scary but the guys welcomed the nurse and I with open arms. We were accepted as one of the guys that they would come to for advice. We were the only two girls from our camp that went. It was intresting and I appreciate our camp so much more now.

Well until next tim when I have more time to update.

Mid-season....

2011-07-08T00:59:00.002-04:00

So it has come to the point in the season of summer camps that everyone dreads. It is mid-season. It has come to our minds that half of our summer is over and we will soon go back to our lives among the "normal" people. So much has been happening so here we go......

The fourth of July has come and gone. Lucky me, I had off and enjoyed it off with a few members of our staff. We all relaxed at the park after we had lunch. We then proceeded to walk around town and take in the parade and even socialize with a nearby girls camp, which had a social at our camp a few days earlier. After resting in the park, it was time to walk to the ski show. The opening act can be seen in the picture. The skiers did a fabulous job.

New Times at Camp

2011-06-15T18:20:00.004-04:00

So I have started my new time at my camp. It has been an amazing experience so far with meeting all the people in this "community" and learning all the different things about camp here. I couldn't have asked for a better office. This is my office every day:

I get to see this everyday. I am so excited. I have lived everyday since at this area except when I have other meetings and even then I ask if they can be down by the lake.

So far I have taught a full lifeguard course, a CPR challenge, a lifeguard challenge, lifeguard verification, and also swim observations for half the staff here, which is about 80 people.

We have people from all over the world. They range from Columbia to Poland. Their job descriptions vary also from kitchen to directors of activities. It is a pretty neat kind of atmosphere that can only be explained by being a counselor. The kind of family bond that you get with people from here is amazing. We only have been with one another for a few weeks and the bonds that are formed are already amazing.

There is an amazing game here that I want to bring home. Think about four square, add some volleyball, and then add a trampoline. It is amazing!!!!!

New Adventures

2011-05-20T06:18:00.003-04:00

I know that no one is most likely not reading this but...... I am soooo excited for this adventure to start.

I am finally done with my Water Safety course and I passed which means I can actually teach swimming to people and know what I am doing. The class was really fun when we weren't freezing in the water the last week. They had us swimming close to a mile everyday and I am scared to say I am actually going to miss swimming that much. I felt so much better after doing that. We did three teach backs which mean we actually have to give a lesson to our peers and then they tell us what we did good and what we could improve on.

The next adventure is going to MN to take a Lifeguard Instructor course. It is a 4 day course that I get certified in like 8 different things by next Wednesday. I have go to MN since the instructor quit his job in Orlando. Still miffed at that but I get to see my brother-in-law while I am in MN so it is a little better.

After my course there, I am traveling with a staff member to WI to where my camp is. I am really excited. This camp has done a lot for me and I can't wait to start teaching and give back to the people there that have so much faith in me. It will be a lot of sleepless nights but I am excited to start. It is a lot of responsibility but I think I can take it.

I will post more when I get the chance to. I will even add pictures.

Why shouldn't I be my worst critic?

2011-05-06T21:04:00.002-04:00

The pas few days I have been self thinking and I hate doing this but it makes me wonder how my life turned out this way and it kinda disappoints me. I have become the girl that I loathed in high school and told myself I would never become. Oh did I get to become this?

Update session

2011-04-16T08:25:00.002-04:00

So for an update....

I have lost about 5 pounds now, so I am on my way.

So I have a new job for the summer, I am waterfront director at a boys camp. I am so nervous but exciting at the same time. The people that are getting certified for lifeguarding and CPR are not going to like me at all during that week. Tests are going to be everywhere that day.

Finals week is coming up and I am ready to bite the dust. After the 19th when all my training is done I am sleeping and working non-stop until I leave.

New Direction?

2011-04-08T19:19:00.004-04:00

So I got another job offer for this summer and I am really deciding against going to the Girl Scout camp in PA. I am not really sure yet. I have an interview with the new camp on Monday. I don't know what to do.

There are some pros and cons:

Some pros of the new job:

Better position
Better salary
Don't have to sleep outdoors
I am actually in the mountains

Some cons of the job:

I have to get more certification in lifeguard
Change my plane ticket

My one a day

2011-04-07T09:09:00.004-04:00

SO my endeavors into weight loss has been at a loss. I am even more determined to do it this time. I have started preparing my meals ahead of time and done grocery shopping for such things. Shoot I even bought a book where I can track everything and it has helped because it is front and center and I am aware of everything that I am eating.

I have decided that I am going to find one spot a day where I can relax either in my room or any other spot. I will take a picture and describe what feelings where felt there.

One of my friends makes her blog everyday and I am inspired that I can do it everyday. Here's to a one-a-days all around.

Inspriation.

2011-03-18T10:41:00.005-04:00

So I have come to the conclusion this week that I am going to do something.....

Brace yourselves......

2015: I will be graduated with a Master's in Ocean Engineering, Bachelor's in Theater and Dance, and a minor in Math.

I know that right now it seems impossible but I am going to do it. I want to be the accomplished one at my 10 year high school reunion in 2017. I know that life gets in the way but that is what I want right now. It will be epic!!!!!

The next thing I am doing, is that I am going to learn all different dances from around the world. I went to see Lord of the Dance last night in 3D at the movie theater and it still inspires me to actually do it. I now have a list of different dances I want to learn. So my goal is to be in the best physical shape by August of 2011, maybe September. I will give myself some leeway but that is it. September I will be in the best possible shape.

I will tell you three dances I want to learn:

Irish soft shoe
Irish hard shoe
Pointe

That is the only thing I will give you. Actually I am going to use this blog to write down my journeys along this road and hopefully I can aspire others just like some people have inspired me.

"It is one thing to dance with your feet, it is a totally different thing to dance with your heart."

-Another Cinderella Story quote

A Picture a Day

2010-11-06T20:26:00.003-04:00

November 6th, 2010.

We have got a new fish, his name is Bruce. It is a betta that is red and blue. It was supposed to be a joke but now we like him. We spent almost 15 mins picking out the coral and everything to match. You could tell it was a girl that picked it out and stuff.

Update

2010-05-07T08:37:00.003-04:00

So I haven't updated but that is because I have been so busy lately with finals coming and my dance show but now the dance show is done and over with. It was amazing.

Yes update on exercising. Everyday since because of dance I have been vigorously dancing between 2 to 4 hours a day without A/C and in Florida that's freaking crazy. We were all sweating our butts off. I have been walking everywhere at school and up the stairs like so many times.

My next vow after finals week is to walk to the beach everyday ( except Sunday) and back. I will do two things on my list at one time. Suntan and get my exercise. Yes!

Not Joking Around Anymore

2010-05-02T00:26:00.002-04:00

So I am watching the show "Biggest Loser" and I see what they go through and I am fully ready to everything it takes to lose my weight. I am actually going to keep a blog of what I am going to do. Hopefully I can aspire someone one day.

Things in my life.

2010-04-21T17:39:00.002-04:00

So I am in a situation that I don't know what to do but have several options available. I have two and half weeks left of school here at Daytona State College and I am done with my AA and everything but I don't have my mind made up of what I want to do now. I know I am going up to Kentucky in the summer but what after? I have several options but none that seem to jump out at me. These options are:

1. Stay in Daytona and start my dance AA.
2. Go to Kentucky and maybe move there.
3. Go to Kentucky then come back and go to Ft Lauderdale and work full time.
4. Go to Kentucky then come back and go back to FAU after I turn in my papers and get accepted again.
5 Go to Kentucky then come back and go to Florida Tech when I turn my papers in.

Gah so many options and I don't know what to do!!!!!!

Plus my math and physics is getting extremely hard and time consuming. I don't have time for myself at all anymore. Just studying and even then at the end of the day/week I still dream of all the stuff that I have to do.

For example I was doing my calculus homework and I didn't understand a problem so I went to bed thinking about it and two hours out of a dead sleep I woke up and understood the problem fully.

I go to sleep thinking about this stuff and then I wake up thinking about the same crap. I need a vacation and this summer will do.

Your my understudy.......

2010-03-31T23:08:00.002-04:00

So the last couple of days have proved to be interesting at least. I have almost have gotten two fights with one girl. Yay go me. So here's the story:

So I am an understudy for this dance and my family is coming to see the show on Friday morning and the rest is on Saturday night. Well the choreographer said I get to dance on Friday morning which is cool, I asked if I could dance ONE out of the three dances and she got so angry. Basically told me that I couldn't dance and I was making a fool out of myself. I rather be passionate about something then have to smoke and drink all the time and still suck at it.

Just wait until she touches me and then it is on.

Frustration and Accomplishment

2009-10-04T11:57:00.002-04:00

So I just got done talking to one of my friends from down south. It was good to talk to him. I like talking to him and what not, I do miss him. Its so weird. I mean I like him but I don't know what the road would lead. I am glad that I am getting to know him on a deeper level than before. Maybe that's a good thing or a bad thing maybe we are getting to the point where we are getting to more bro/sis but I really don't want that. It is interesting to see a different side of him that isn't happy all the time.

Anyways I am in a dance company up in Daytona. I am really happy about it. We have done an African/modern/jazz dance, jazz dance, and now I am doing a tap number with a couple of people. I have never been more happy about it. I am getting good grades and I am dancing. I love it.

Camp

2009-06-18T18:16:00.002-04:00

For all the people that don't know I am in Kentucky at a Girl Scouts Camp. I love it! For the past couple of days I have been so busy. I don't think I have been so busy. I will start at the beginning of the session.

Day 1:

We all woke up and were all rushing to put our stuff where it needed to be before we had to do a lifeguarding drill. Then we did the lifeguard drill and I had to "save" Wren all the way at the deep dock and swim up to the shallow end. It was tiring I am not going to lie. Then we still had to do our day by day for our unit. My unit is called Roughin It, which is like it sounds we rough it. We are sleeping in tents and all of that. My co-counselors we finally got mattresses to put in our tent. It is so funny to see all of us in the tent, it is four of us sleeping in one four person tent.

Im so excited and nervous all wrapped in one.

2009-05-05T20:40:00.002-04:00

Ok, so great news, I passed my physics final and now I am onto calculus. Not only that I am going to be a camp counselor in less than a month. I am extremely nervous but excited at the same time. I feel bad for just leaving everything here just like I did in Boca but you know what, I am ok with it. Yes it bugs me that I am leaving but I have wanted this job for two years and I finally got it and I think I have grown up enough to realize that somethings you have to drop everything and go for it. I think this job will make me a better person and a better leader when I come home.

I have learned several different things since I have been home and I am glad that I decided to come home. I actually have goals set for myself and I know what I have to do to get to them. I can feel them in my grasp and all I have to do is reach out and touch them. Some I actually have to work a little bit more for but I am willing to wait, I have waited this long I can wait just a tad bit more.

I am going to fix my car and change the color to it. I am going to work harder and smarter in school. I know I can do better I have proved it to myself today at my physics exam. I am going to better myself at everything I do. I want to be the best I can be even if it means I have to organize my priorities and my job skills than so be it. I know what I am strong at and if I can work that to my advantage I think I can do great things.

I am writing this as a proclamation to myself. I want to be a better person and I will do it. Once I come home you will see a different me not only in physical difference but mentally as well. Luck will have nothing to do with it. If I think about it I will achieve it no doubt about that.

Days on end

2009-03-26T22:06:00.003-04:00

So days on end do I sit here and wonder why and how could I have gotten this far without any help. I have come to the conclusion that I am a work alcoholic which I think will turn to a horrible thing later in life. I think it is going to be a flaw, but what am I supposed to do? I hate sitting around and doing nothing. I mean I love those kinds of days but I like being on a schedule. Currently as I am writing this I am at the office. My boss is in the other room on his computer and I am in the other office loading pictures. It all works out though, I guess. Something draws me to work. I don't understand it at all. It is almost like having an addiction...almost. I have to overload myself or else I get really lazy and I won't and can't get anything done. I can't wait until I have the interview for my summer job, it will be so chaotic. I don't want to leave Vector since it is a cool place and all. Goodness sakes where else can we light a desk on fire with hand sanitizer and not get in trouble for it. Our boss starts it anyways.

I feel in a love triangle right now. Chris and I have been talking more and more but he is soo far away in Boca and I am in Daytona, that is a three hour difference. There are many people up here that I am attracted to and people that are attracted to me. For example one boundary that I will never EVER cross to the employee/manager relation. I won't stoop that low. It wouldn't be in my moral standard. Granted, yes I think my boss has an awesome personality and a really cool person but holy crap he is just as bad as I am about working. He works too darn much, well I guess I am not any better but still I go out with my friends and such. Like we are all shocked when we hear that he is not in the office.

My work is good but my home life is going up in smoke right now. Supposedly I have to start paying rent and I have to move out by November. Amber and Tony said I could move in with them but that would be really weird and awkward for all of us. I might take up the offer after the summer when I get back from Kentucky. It seems like summer is right here and yet so far away. I just want it to be here already. Oh well.

Ciao!

Rant......

2009-03-07T19:07:00.002-05:00

I am going to rant and vent for a little bit because I am having one of those weeks that just suck. That is a nice and good way to put it.

Welllll for rant number 1. I hate guys well ok not all guys but oh man I swear its either I dont have any opinions or I get myself into heaps of trouble or number 3 option... I have tons of guys that I can date. This sucks. I have tons of crushes and people that I would actually like to date. I also just found out that my ex still likes me YAY! not really. Also I got a new job and oh man I really dont get a break at all. My boss is like really really nice and you guessed it I wouldn't mind it either. Oh man I dont really know what to do right now with all this testerone. At least it was eady at Moe's I just hated everyone well... Tawy was cool on his good days but everyone else either had a g/f or I just hated and dispised. Ah the good old days. And my dad keeps getting on my case about not having a boyfriend. What would you like me to do date every guy that I come in contact with, because then all the rumors would be true.

Speaking of rumors...I found out a nasty nasty rumor that is being said about me and I can't go anywhere without being asked about it. Supposedly I am a...a whore....to say the least. Supposedly I use my charm and stuff like that to get ahead in my jobs. Oh yes cause that is the way to go plus why would I want to do that. Ewww. I think of myself more highly to do that.

I also think my boss is trying to set me up with one of my guy friends at work. His name is Jose. Why is everyone that I like or date either hispanic or black.....? I think I have only had two white guys. Yay. I don't understand it at all. OK back to Jose... He is really really nice and he also went to Mainland and he goes to my college but to one of the branches. I really really don't know what to do....I need Nikki. :(

Plus my spring break has turned to crap. I was supposed to go to Orlando and have fun and stuff like that. Well apparently that isn't happening anymore. Well I am going to Orlando either way because I have to go with my work. My dad doesn't know yet though. He thinks I am going to the Hoe Down that is happening in Melbourne. I kinda wanted to go to the Hoe Down but that is now down the drain. Grrrrrr.......

Ok that was my rant. Well there is more but I have to go get ready to go watch the UFC fight and eat Stoch-a-roos. Awesome.

Caught up in the ocean waves

2009-01-11T19:53:00.002-05:00

So I am sitting in my church meetings and we had ward conference today. I sat in the same spot for close to three hours minus the bathroom break and everything, well I looked throught the book that I brought to write stuff down in. This book is my insprational book that I write quotes and stuff that I really like and well one of the quotes really struck home with me and it was kinda wierd because it was something that I said to someone a year ago.

I can remember it so prefectly too. We were both swimming in the ocean complaining about life and she said to me:

" I love how I am telling you my weakness while we are swimming in the ocean."
"But its like an analogy though. We are swimming in the ocean which we have no control over and yet we are strong enough to keep our heads above the water."

Even with our weaknesses in our lives we still can live through the stuff that tries to keep us down. We just got to keep our heads above the water until someone can help us that much more.

♥

Tis Bittersweet

2008-12-16T03:44:00.002-05:00

So I have come to the conclusion that either a) I go back home to Daytona for the summer and maybe the fall or b) go to work at a summer counselor job then go back to Daytona for the fall and then maybe come back to FAU or c) stick it out at FAU and see where life takes me....

All these choices and I don't know what to do anymore. It is taking a toll on my sleeping schedule, I can't stop thinking about it now. I don't know what to do anymore and since grades came out maybe I do need to go back to Daytona just for the time being. I know it is the suckers way out but I had a long talk with my friend and if this is the way I feel than so be it.

I know in a way that I let down my dad by coming back but if it saves me money and time and if I get better grades than I don't see why I shouldn't be able to do it. I love him to death but maybe it isn't time for me to move on just yet. If I get this job for the summer I can pay for classes at the college in Daytona and then figure out things from there.

I would hate to leave all my good friends that I have made at FAU but tis bittersweet how things turn out. I need to cut back on certain things and maybe this is the way I have to do it. It is a bittersweet farewell.

Unbreakable heart finally breaks

2008-11-30T00:32:00.003-05:00

I can't stand this anymore and I wish that I didn't have these feelings for this person. My heart and mind tell me two seperate things and they are both opposites. My heart tells me that I really really like this person and that it would be ok to tell him how I feel and to do something about it but my mind is putting up a neon sign that says he is off limits and that he has a girlfriend. We were sitting together today playing video games and everytime he touched my hair I enjoyed it maybe a bit too much and when we were laying on the couch and his head was on my shoulder I couldn't help but feel comfortable and that nothing in the world is going wrong. He is like my best friend and I could tell him anything but not this especially when he is doing so well with his girlfriend. For goodness sake I was on the phone crying to him one night. We both miss each other alot when we leave. I think if we didn't end the hugs they would go on forever and I wouldn't mind a bit. He said that his girlfriend would get jealous but I don't really care that is her problem. Oh well I guess my piece of my heart will always be his even if he doesn't know it. My future husband will have to deal with it.

Update

2008-11-18T00:05:00.002-05:00

So this is a major update right now like I don't know how long it is going to be. So ok maybe it is a vent, yea lets just say that.

Vent #1:

Ballroom is getting on my nerves. I still love to dance but I am broading my horizons with that and I think everyone especially Tommy is like wtf?!?! I thought you were dedicated to this. I am dedicated to ballroom but I am a dancer at heart and I am dancing whatever I feel. It might be ballroom related or it might be another dance, why does it matter? If you were a dancer or musician you would know that you have to get out whatever is in your heart no matter what it is.

Also if you have a partner you need to be there for them or tell them up front. It might leave you without a partner but at least you won’t leave someone at the last minute without a partner. Just shut up and if you really are dedicated then fully dedicate yourself and I understand that family issues come up and things aren’t always good but goodness gracious.

For the guys, get the balls to stand up to your partner. We are not going to bite you. If they aren’t doing something right, then tell them don’t just sit there and take it. BE A MAN!!

Vent #2:

I am so stressed right now with Dances We Dance coming up so if I am not the nicest person around so what. I am up to my neck in stuff and guess what I don’t have time for bull crap. You are either ready for things or you are not. That’s it. Either yes or no and no maybes.

I am done for right now I have a test in 9 hours and I need to study.

Wierd moods

2008-11-06T03:04:00.004-05:00

Lately I have been having some weird moods. I have been sad a lot lately and I don't understand why. Like I will be happy with my friends but after that I feel frustrated and angry and then back to sad. I feel sad that I am letting my family down, I feel sad about not being good enough, I feel sad about everything at this time. I don't know what to do about it.

My friends all seem to be getting into dating and getting married. I mean I am waiting for someone but the person I want to go out with is not looking for a girlfriend. I mean really?!?!?! I don't know I am just kinda frustrated.

I wish I had a partner for ballroom. I just wish for a lot of stuff right now and most of it is not getting done.

Twilight!!!!!

2008-10-29T00:01:00.001-04:00

The line up.....

2008-10-26T23:32:00.002-04:00

So I am in the middle of looking for a boyfriend and well I have a few ideas on people that I would like to date. Two of which would just be wierd to date not to mention one of them is the ex of one of my friends, one is my "new ballroom partner" and then the last one is someone that I kinda work with. Two are white and the other two are black. I think it is kinda funny in the least. Three are in ballroom and one is a singer. I need to get my life straightened out. I have hung out with all of them in the last 24 hours. GAY!!!!!!!!! Alright I am just venting really. I am soo freaking sick of being the only one in the suite that doesn't have a bf. Its unnerving in a way. Ugh. Alright I am leaving, I have to walk with a friend to her apartment and then I will post! maybe...

Thinking is dangerous

2008-10-14T03:42:00.002-04:00

So I have 15 mins left at work and well I am just writing right now. I have studyed to my hearts content but sometimes your mind keeps turning back to events that might have changed my life dramatically but because I didn't make a certain choice I didn't get what I wanted.

Who really am I? What have I done in my life? Why was I always the good kid? Why didn't I listen to my mother when she said I would regret quitting stuff? All of this is on my mind and none of it wants to go away. I love to dance and no one can take that away. My love for dance is unbelieveable but by society standards I am too fat to be dancer. No one with curves or anything like that should be dancing they say. I was at Wal-mart tonight and I saw in a magazine while I was waiting in line that claimed that a dance on Daning with the Stars is too fat to be dancing. Really?!?! I am appalled by society and how we got it this far. Girls and guys starve themselves or even throw up because they want to meet society standards of being skinny. It is sick.

I once used to be a dancer and then became an athlete. I was never in the "skinny" category at all BUT I danced with my heart and by golly I was good. I shouldn't have anyone tell me I am not good enough because of my weight. I am doing ballroom now and it still exist. That hatred still exist. My love is beaten down because some person out in the world says I can't because I don't look the part. Why should you tell me that I can't? I practice dance for more than 8 to 10 hours a week. Why do you get the right to tell me because I am a little bit curvier than the rest that I don't have what it takes. I dance from the heart and I make whatever I do look pretty.

All of those skinny bitches can takes what they want but some of you will never know the meaning of dancing with your heart. You dance with your body but never with your soul. You say you know drama and art but what you don't do is show it in your dance. It is a disgrace that people have to watch you grind yourself up against someone and you call that a "dance". Thats gross.

How I actually feel on things

2008-10-04T03:34:00.003-04:00

So I tried to explain to this guy and he doesn't understand what I am trying to say. You want someone to be there for you thats great and all but I am not the girl for that kind of love. You say you want me but I don't want you. Everytime you put your hands on me I feel nothing. When you call me all I want to do is hang up in disgust. You really don't care about me, you don't care about my feelings. You won't even open up for me. All you want is something I won't give you. Its a game for you. You think you want it but get it from someone else. After everytime I am with you all I want is to take a shower and get all of you off of me. I can't stand to see you outside of the room. all you call me for is a bootie call and I am not that girl. You say we can have a movie night but everytime you don't deliver and we get messed up into doing things. So what is next? I am not going to give you what you seek. Will the journey stop here or will you change and things can be different? I highly doubt that they will change so I will change them for you. I will be the one leaving and changing for the better.

For the guy I would love to date. If we came eye to eye on things would they work out? Our worlds wouldn't be a problem. Color wouldn't matter. In my eyes there is no color difference. Just two people that care for one another. It is like age, why should it matter so much what we are. So many people have walked this road before so why can't we. It doesn't even matter for I don't even know if you like me at all. I know for a friend I am good as anyone but as a girlfriend I might not be. It might not even be the color or race that I am but just the nature of things and the feelings for another that will keep apart my heart and yours. People will come and go throughout life but some will remain in your heart and if I am one of those than I have done my duty so far.

Those are my feelings as of now. They might change within the hour but who knows them but me.

All the Sudden...

2008-09-20T21:11:00.006-04:00

Ok so I have been in school for a while and I have been talking to my friend Nikki.

I think I need to start at the beginning....

So one of the RA's at my job and I are talking and we talk for hours on end. No joke. Well yesterday my friend Nikki, Isha, and me were sitting in the Student Union and he came through the door and I didn't even know it and then he comes and plays with my hair. Nikki looks at me and says "I think he likes you" and I really didn't think of anything of it. Well today actually right now I am sitting at the desk at my job and he is having a program going on not even 15 feet away. He has been coming to talk to me like every half an hour and such. I think I might like him maybe. Its too soon and I don't even know if he has a girlfriend or if he even dates white girls. Right now I think I will take the friendship that we have and if it grows into more then it does but if not than it doesn't. I would like it too. I think my dad would like it.

All the sudden it happened. I don't know how it happened at all. Oh well. Que sera sera.

Something stupid.....

2008-09-02T02:48:00.004-04:00

So if this gets into the wrong hands it could be interesting to try and explain. Alright so I made out with this boy and personally I guess that it kinda got out of hand, not too much. We didn't do it of course but it just got out of hand really. Well now it is akward, like I think he likes me but for all the wrong reasons. We tried doing a movie night but again got out of hand. Not that I didn't like it but I want someone that I can cuddle with and he won't try anything but just to lay there in each others company. I feel like I let myself down and I want to beat myself up for it. It seems like I am doing good in certain areas like school and handling my life and time but not so good in other things. I think I was so desperate to get that certain attention that I got it in a way that I don't want it. I just feel so stupid for doing something like this. I know I have to pick myself up but now I have to focus on my studies and not my personal needs or wants right now. If my true person comes along then great he does but not this way.

1 for stupid
0 for Marylynne

Great score!

My job

2008-08-18T21:00:00.002-04:00

So I am at my work right now and OMG I want to shoot myself. It is so boring and it is raining beyond belief because of the stupid tropical strom Fay. I am listening to the radio and just chilling. I know I needed relaxation but this is too much relaxation for me. I need to work or do something. I can't wait for school to start. All of this is killing me being stuck in one place. Grrrr.

Where I belong

2008-08-14T22:48:00.004-04:00

So I haven't done this as much as I promised myself which is a disappointment to me. I need to be better about this. It isn't that stuff hasn't happened it just I never get to the things that I need to do to relax myself which in its self is a shame.

So for my summer my class grades were as follows:

Philosophy: A
English : A
Pre-calc: B+

I am soo excited! I only have one more Gordon rule class left and I am doing that in fall semester. I am already down in South Florida and the first thing I gave myself was a sunburn. Go Me! I am glad of that though, it will turn into a wonderful tan which in its self is exciting.

I have promised myself that I will do better in school this year. I am not going to let myself fall behind even it means that I have to give up my love of ballroom. Which is sad but I am willing to let it go for the better good. My classes are going to be pretty good. My fall semester classes are:

Modern Dance
Trigonometry
World Geography
Into to Fiction

It should be a good year hopefully. I am going to make it a good year. I have proved it to myself that I can do it in Daytona so why should FAU be different.

I feel like I belong here, I don't feel that I am just here to go to school and go home and work. I know people and we respect one another which is a good part. We might not all hang out but we acknowledge one another and it gives me a sense that I belong here. This is where I am supposed to be. I can feel it. Maybe I am wrong but we will see what comes.

Til later on. Ciao!

South Florida

2008-08-13T11:49:00.002-04:00

I have moved down to South Florida and it is fantastic. I have a week before school starts and I am just relaxing and having a good old time. It is nice just to relax and actually have fun.

Impossible

2008-06-23T11:46:00.002-04:00

So I have a lot to say but I don't have a lot of time to say it so I am letting a song descibe what I feel right now.

It is from Cinderella that stars Whitney Houston and Brandy but it is my favorite song:

Whitney) Impossible! For a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage
Impossible
For a plain country bumpkin and a prince to join in mairrage
And four white mice could never be turned to horses
Such falder-all-and-fiddley-dee-of-courses
Im-poss-i-ble!
But the world is full of zanies and fools
Who don't believe in sensible rules and don't believe what sensible people say
And because-these-daff-and-dooly-ite(?)-dopes keep-building-up-impossible-hopes, impossible, things are happening everyday.'
Impossible (Brandy)
Impossible (Whitney)
Impossible (Brandy)
Impossible (Whitney)
Impossible (Brandy)
Impossible (Whitney)
Imposs-ible! (Whitney and Brandy)
(Brandy) It's possible, for a plain yellow pumpkin and a prince to join in marriage
Quite possible, for a plain country bumpkin and a prince to join in marriage
(Whitney) And four white mice are easily turned to horses Such falder-all-and-fiddley-dee-of-courses (Brandy) Quite Poss-i-ble!
For the world is full of zanies and fools (
Brandy) Who don't believe in sensible rules
(Whitney) and don't believe what sensible people say
(Brandy) And because-these-daff-and-dooly-ite(?)-dopes keep-building-up-impossible-hopes, impossible, things are happening ev-ery-day. (Both)

My nephew is going to....

2008-06-20T20:18:00.001-04:00

My nephew is going Madagascar for his mission. I am really happy for him.

Europe Trip 2009

2008-06-16T19:54:00.002-04:00

So I have figured if my parents are not going to take me to Europe I will go myself. I have found a month trip for 3000. I am really excited and I can pay for myself. I am actually looking forward to it. I have a year to save and I am going to do it. My dad already gave me the ok. I am going to spend a month in EUROPE!!!!!

Get an apartment...or school?

2008-06-15T18:44:00.002-04:00

So there have been several things that have been on my mind ever since I have gotten home from college. One of which is that if I want to go back. Thing is that I would like to I think mostly because of dance but is that the only thing that is keeping me tied down there. That doesn't seem a good reason to go there and spend $5000 and maybe not do well. On the other hand I can stay in Daytona go to school maybe even free and dance here just not with the people that I started with. Also one of my friends down there wants me and her and someone else to get an apartment. If I do that I might not be able to go to school because of the apartment costing a lot. I would be losing two jobs if I don't go back and staying at an old one that is driving me crazy. All of this is going on in my mind. Plus my sister and my brother are coming down at almost the same time. I should be glad at all of them coming down but I feel like it is going to be an ambush on me. Oh well I am doing so much better so they can all stuff it.

Guys are so disgusting

2008-06-07T09:07:00.002-04:00

Don't get me wrong I like guys as the next girl but is really sex all they think about? I was talking with one of my guy friends and all he could talk about was sex and how much he wanted it and even how horny he was. Do they think women share the same viewpoint as them? I guess I don't get the craze because I have never has sex but still is it really as it is cracked up to be?

The rare guys that I am friends with that don't mind not having any is far and between. I think out of 200 or so IM friends about half of them are guys and I think maybe three or four actually have the decency to have an actual conversation. I like talking to them it is nice to actually have that conversation instead of the whole conversation being about sex or the need for it.

All I really needed was....

2008-06-06T20:30:00.003-04:00

I am pretty sure that hardly anyone is going to read this but I need it the most. I need somplace that I can just write what I am feeling and not really care. I have already seen that keeping a diary in my house is impossible so I guess this is the next best thing for me.

So lately I have been feeling like the next thing is going to tick me off and well finally it happened and everything just spilled out today on my dad. I kinda felt bad but in a way I just let things out and let him know how I really felt about things. Everything started back with me not doing good in college my freshman year and it gradually got worse. When I got home this summer everyone was pestering me about how I didn't do good in school and how that I am the smartest out of the four kids and how in the hell am i failing college. Well that started to grind on my nerves and by that time I am starting my summer classes and I was on house arrest until my grades are seen to improve. They did suprisingly but I went out one night to get a milkshake and I didn't tell dad and that finally cracked me so bad.

Words were exchanged rather loudly and ended up with me just crying in my dad arms. I couldn't take holding up my fascade that I was ok with everything. In fact I am not ok with a lot of things that are going on in my life. I hate the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. I hate the fact that I am overweight. I hate the fact that I am failing. I hate that I feel like crap. I hate the fact that guys are pigs sometimes. Trust me I finally figured out what goes on in a guys mind since that is all I work with is guys and it isn't much. I hate how they talk about girls. It makes me sick and sort of glad that I don't have a guy like that. Every guy that I have met besides two that I can think of have actually been like that. Its disgusting.

So I am breaking down the doors one by one to show the world the real me. Hopefully people can accept the real me because it is very different than the person I precieve to be.