Heart is breaking

So I told myself that I would write more and more so maybe one day I could actually make an awesome story. This week I have heard some news that broke my heart almost. One of my best friends is leaving for three years. I know it is almost like a mission call but it is not. He will be able to date other people and find someone else. I don't know if I could take it.

A few days later...

Today is the 10th of May. I have had time to heal a bit from all the craziness that has happened. I have had a blessing and time to talk to my closest of friends. Let me tell you whenever you are down the blessing is the way to go. For the people that don't know, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You might know us by Mormons but we are Christians all the same. Well a blessing is where a priesthood leader lays his hands on your head and proceeds to give you a blessing on behalf of Heavenly Father. It is something that is really special and shouldn't be taken lightly. It has helped me heal in a sense and made my mind clearer. I knew it had to be from my Heavenly Father since some of the things that were said the person that was giving it never knew about some of the things. That is what made it soo special to me.

My heart is still breaking but all the while mending at the same time. I know I have some awesome friends and someone that is looking out for me call it an angel or whatever. I could never be here without the support of my friends. If things are meant to be then they are meant to happen. I will take my friendships where ever they come from.

The spread between school and camp...

It is that time again when I have to get ready for camp but it seems that I am going back later to camp this year to the point that I actually get to spend my birthday at home. I can't explain how exciting this is for me. I haven't spent a birthday at home since I was 12, so about 11 years. I have had 11 birthdays at some sort of camp. Several things are happening within this time between of school ending and camp beginning. Several things are also changing also.

I guess I can start out with the camp that I am going to. The camp name is Camp Lohikan and is located in the mountains of Pennsylvania. I will be in a real summer camp, the type that I have seen on TV. Yes, I am not going back to the camp in Wisconsin but alas this new camp I am excited to go to. I will be teaching swimming, teaching lifeguarding, and being in charge of the swim team. I am very much excited for the swim team. I will also be living with girls again and being a counselor. I missed that very much last year. It is really interesting to see how my camp experiences have changed me into the person I am today and how different the camps are.

My birthday....I don't even know what to do. It has been forever.....

Difference between what I want and what I can have.

So one of my friends is in town this weekend and seems our relationship has changed. He now has a girlfriend and now it is hard for me to take. We have always had the relationship where we liked one another but it now seems that the thing that I want I can't have.

Last night, we had a talk about the new girlfriend and usually I am never jealous about anything but goodness it made me realize that I want get what I want this time. I could do the wrong thing and actually do something and jepordize everything or just sit and take it.

Let's try scenarios for a second
1. So I actually tried to do something like kiss him again and things actually started like how they were before he left last time. It could either go several ways: a) he could face the facts and we could just continue the relationship that we have b) freak the hell out but continue with it or c) freak the hell out and jepordize our relationship.

2. Now I just sit and take it like a good friend. He gets to be happy but doesn't know my true feelings while I have a broken heart. It is a sticky situation.

What to do.....

He asked today what I would like to do and I reply "several things but only a few can we actually do."

Oh goodness

Always the friend, never the girlfriend

So I have been looking forward to one of my good friends come to visit and we have found out that we both had feelings for one another. So we decided that this time he visits, we will try going out on a date and see what happens. I was really happy for the first time in about a month. I really wanted to see where it goes since we know each other on so many levels.

Well I just got the devasting phone call this afternoon, asking if I still wanted him to come to town. He has found someone else and decided that he wanted to see where this relationship went instead before we did anything. Of course, I want him to be happy but should it cost me my own happiness? I told him that he is still my friend and I still want to see him regardless and hung up. I don't understand why I am always the friend but never the girl friend? I understand this relationship would be a "long" distance relationship and I am usually hardly never jealous but damn it why. I feel like I deserve that much. We will have a serious talk when he is here but until then.....

I still want him to be happy with whoever. I can cast the illusion right?

When it pours....there is always a rainbow right?

So this month has been a challenge and it isn't over yet. I'm not going to lie, this month sucks majorly! When it pours, it really pours but then have you ever looked during a major storm there is always a rainbow at the end. I guess that is what is keeping me going through this month. So I guess I should explain my situation first.....

1. Finals started the month off. Awesome start, if I do say so myself. Well here lies the first problem. One of my professors decided he was going to change my grade without telling me and letting the class know the Excel sheet he put out was wrong. So I went from a B to a C-. Well if I knew this was going to happen, I wanted to take the final but he said since the final was done there was nothing that they could do about it. Awesome, NOT! Long story short, I went to the dean and shared the problem and watched my professor change my grade back. Muhaha, and I have this professor next semester (so I thought). I am doomed.

2. While number 1 was going on, I get an amazing letter from the summer camp that I worked at the previous summer saying they really liked me but was moving in a different direction in the program. Could they have said this earlier, most likely but that wasn't up to me. Let's just say, my dad had to listen to me for about two hours on the phone along with my friends. I think total phone/face time was about 8 hours with different people. I was so shaken from this I couldn't even speak to the director since I am pretty sure I would say something I didn't mean, like I literally was shaking and I am glad they are in a different state.

3. After all of this what else could go wrong, right? Well I get a lovely letter from school saying I have been dismissed because I have a 1.979 GPA for the semester. I am supposed to have a 2.0 GPA, didn't know this! So now I have sent in a petition to the Engineering College so they can overrule this decision so I can continue my education here.

4. Christmas is almost here and I hopefully can spend it with my family. I started a new job and I am working more than ever and hopefully I can squeeze some time to spend with my sister, my brother-in-law, my dad, and my step-mom. I miss my family soo much and I wish I could spend more time with them. They are my support line and I don't know what I would do without them.

Out of all this, I realized a lot of things. It doesn't matter where you are in life, stuff happens and it will be okay in the end. Just like my dad has been telling me through all this, all things are happening for a reason it might not be clear right now but it will in the end and also when a window closes a door opens with more opportunities.

Love you dad!

Oh the little things...

Oh the little things in life.....

This week I have almost been to the breaking point and back again only to repeat and have a full meltdown in the middle of the hallway with my best friend and my dad on the phone only 250 miles away.

For those that don't know I am an engineering major and along with it, a lot of tears, blood, sweat, and having no social life is to be thought of. Silly me, I take on as much as I can handle and then a bit more just to see if I can do it. This semester I have taken upon the job of being my sorority's secretary and social chair and also engineering student council secretary and Engineering Week chair. Both are really big jobs along with my course load.

Among all of this I have totally forgot the tiny things in life that I used to enjoy. The laughter of my friends from inside jokes that we have. When my dad uses the pet names he gave me when I was like four or when I was 16 at his work place and everyone started calling me it. the joy music can bring to people and even the joy of going on a weekend vaca. The sound of rain and thunder and cuddling with dog on the couch because we are both scared.

No matter how much I put on a face of being a tough person, I do have the fears of a normal person and I am just a normal person and I need to remember that also.

Don't let anyone tell you different

So I have been on this soapbox for a while now and I am glad someone else feels this way.

A friend of a friend came up to us crying the other day and tell us what some person said to her. Basically said to her that she wasn't good for anything except staying in the house and that she could never be an engineer because she was a female. Our friend is pretty, smart, and one of the best people I have ever met in my life and to see her crying over what someone else thought was heart breaking.

In the past few days, most of the girl engineers in our college have gotten together to form a group to where we could gather and just relax for a while, study and tutor each other, or just exchange stories such as this one. Come to find out a lot of them have similar stories to share from fellow classmates telling them and even teachers telling them that they could never be good enough. Funny thing enough those classmates that have told us that we would never amount to anything in the field have changed majors.

So our advice for this week: Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Do what you want to do and don't let anyone stand in your way. If you want to become a fashion designer or the president of the United States, why should people tell you no. It is your dream not theirs.

Well that is my soapbox for the week. Wish everyone well.

Hard Knock Life.....ish

So getting back from camp is really hard. I have jumped into work again and working close to 30 hours just this week alone. I also got a promotion at my bookstore job kind of. I am in charge of all the cashiers and training. It has been crazy, instead of just focusing on what I need to do I have to be in charge of 6 people at a time and only 2 know what they are doing. It's crazy.

I would like to present.......

After a long 7 weeks, hours upon hours of studying, lots of screaming and fighting, I would like to present the lifeguards of the year 2011 at Camp Timberlane. All my CITs here passed the Waterfront Lifeguard course. I couldn't be more pleased than right now. After almost three hours, we finished the final practical this morning and was able to present the CITs to the camp at lunch. It was an awesome experience to say the least.

The past couple of days have been extremely eventful. Yesterday we had a day called Pow Wow Day to remember all the tribes of Native Americans. It included having opening ceremonies, leg wrestling, several events, "heavy dew", silent lunch, and several other things. It all came to the tug of war (not really but we say so anyways), the kids really love it and get into it.

Tonight was a social was a girls camp and now I can finally see why girls are scary to guys. We are scary but the guys welcomed the nurse and I with open arms. We were accepted as one of the guys that they would come to for advice. We were the only two girls from our camp that went. It was intresting and I appreciate our camp so much more now.

Well until next tim when I have more time to update.

Mid-season....

So it has come to the point in the season of summer camps that everyone dreads. It is mid-season. It has come to our minds that half of our summer is over and we will soon go back to our lives among the "normal" people. So much has been happening so here we go......

The fourth of July has come and gone. Lucky me, I had off and enjoyed it off with a few members of our staff. We all relaxed at the park after we had lunch. We then proceeded to walk around town and take in the parade and even socialize with a nearby girls camp, which had a social at our camp a few days earlier. After resting in the park, it was time to walk to the ski show. The opening act can be seen in the picture. The skiers did a fabulous job.